As it is the school holidays, we have a lie-in if we can with the exception of my husband who has to continue with his normal commute and working day.
I wake up as he moves around the house. For a few seconds I forget and then it hits me that Dad is dying and that he will not see this house again, his own home.
My husband brings me coffee and if one of the children is awake I hear him tell them to “Be nice to Mummy”. He is fretting about me and that shows he cares.
I get up because staying in bed is rotten with various thoughts and feelings churning around my mind.
Not only does life go on but we are right in the middle of moving house and preparing for the back to school. I tackle jobs but everything feels like that bit more of an effort. I have to set myself little targets throughout the day to stay motivated.
My oldest son says he loves me a zillion times a day and there are so many extra hugs too.
The other children are young enough to get on with their days, enjoying and playing, not over-thinking things. It is a tonic to see.
At some point, my brother will telephone with an update on Dad’s condition. Dad is now with my brother and can manage to talk to me on the telephone so I feel that bit more connected.
I welcome every little intrusion from the outside world. It reminds me that I have things to do and ways to move forward when the time comes with Dad.
I reach out to trusted souls via email on things that I cannot yet talk about. They all come up with words of wisdom and support. It is amazing how many people are prepared to do that when they have very busy lives of their own.
If I get settled in front of the television, I can lose way too much time letting daytime telly act as a sort of sedative.
It is great when my husband comes home and we work together to make the evening a pleasant one.
I have a little drink before bedtime. Websites tell me this is a bad idea as it is tantamount to self-medicating but I find it helps me sleep and strengthens me for the next day.
In any event, Dad would totally approve of the drinking and would tell me that life changes and that is all that is happening now.
Yesterday, I said I knew there would be happier times just round the corner. About a hour after that I received an email telling me my stepdaughter is expecting a baby. Somehow I was expecting an announcement of pregnancy in the family and had said so to my husband.
My late Mum always used to bang on about “As one goes out, one comes in”. I used to think it was rubbish but as you get older, you hang on to these homespun wisdoms.
So you see life does go on just not necessarily in the way we might wish.