It is almost 6 months since Dad passed away and 3 and a half since Mum did.
Does this mean that I am now a grown-up? It certainly means I have to work things out for myself.
I remember growing up how Mum would always tell me “You will always have a bed here no matter what”. It felt reassuring even then.
They always knew what to do for the best.
Mum sent me away before her final days, insisted on it clearly knowing from her own experiences with her own mum of the horrors to come.
Dad’s final words to my husband was that he would sort us a car somehow after ours failed its MOT.
Six months in, I know I am just going through what people do. Many have gone through it before and I thought of one on her wedding day recently and how her Dad could not be there by her side. A friend has told me she envies what I had with my Dad.
So I know I am lucky to have had my parents and I know I am not the only one who grieves.
The best advice I had when Dad died was that I would learn to step around my grief. I am at that stage now and work out how not to hurt myself when feeling vulnerable.
I have to keep going for the sake of my children and I have things that I want to do too.
So much has happened in the last 6 months.
There is a new baby in the family and relationships with wider family members seem easier.
We have moved into a new house that suits us well.
Myself and my son got a press trip to Orlando totally out of the blue.
I now help BritMums with their social media work.
None of it is the same without Dad. I miss rushing through to the annex with my news and listening to his tales. I could go on and on but the truth is I just miss HIM. Since Dad died, I have thought of Mum more too and more positively.
Mum was held back by her gender and her class. If she was tough sometimes, it was through deep frustration. I understand that better every day.
So life is good and I have plans for an e-book and am also working on a novel that has a really good plot if I do say so myself.
So why do I still wish there was a knock on the door? In they would come with Mum talking away and then sending Dad back to the car for bags full of clothes, sweets and treats. They would put smiles on the children’s faces that I never can.
It all goes so quickly and I am deeply aware that when they were so wonderful, they must have been missing their parents too.