Separation

My word of the week is separation.

I am separated from my husband after 16 years of being together in good times and bad. There are pros and cons to this situation but it is a separation all the same.

I am separated from my children not being up to date and down with the kids. I don’t understand the attraction of video games remotely and hate having to pretend I do. I remember my own Mum struggling to keep up with things like automatic washing machines and video recorders. So shoot us!

I am separated from my parents through death. I know this applies to so many people but I don’t like it. Not one bit.

I am separated from my college friends who all got fed up of me along the way. The one I do have was never a friend back in the day which shows just how odd life can be. Meanwhile I miss the others and want them back.

My oldest school friend is living in Spain and I do not believe I will ever see her again.

Today, I saw a photo of my birth family posted on Facebook. Can it be said right now that I am in my humble opinion the absolute spit of my maternal grandmother now deceased and never met? She never knew I existed. I feel that and then know that is not allowed when you are adopted. She had real grandchildren and I am a nothing.

I am separated from what I think I was meant to be. I used to be good at things. I was seen as exceptionally bright. Now I spend my days hating school runs and the drudgery of housework. Where did I go? I am occasionally through blogging and other things shown glimpses of what I was meant to be but they are only glimpses and in some ways just taunt me showing me what I could have been and am not.

I feel I live my life in a constant state of “This time next year I will be something” a bit like Del Boy and his “This time next year we will be millionaires”.

There you go and upbeat post from Weighty Katie.

11 Comments

  1. The Reading Residence March 16, 2014 / 9:59 pm

    I can totally relate to that feeling of having been someone and now doing simple, menial tasks, as when I have bad days, my former career flashes before me. Being tested by two little ones, when I managed 80 people effectively, frustrates me. But then I remind myself that what I’m doing is important for my family, they do benefit, and I retreat into my business or blog to grab back a little of me again. The separation from your husband must be so hard, especially when you’re feeling the loss of family and friendships, too. I really hope that you can move with him soon, too. And through your blog you do not ‘glimmer’, you shine, so please continue to share and connect with your inner, intelligent self. Thanks for sharing with #WotW
    The Reading Residence recently posted…The Blog Lowdown – RedpefferMy Profile

  2. Jo - thoughtsfromthekitchensink March 16, 2014 / 10:53 pm

    Had tears in my eyes reading this, felt every word. I don’t have anything useful to say unfortunately but I send my love. My circumstances are very different to yours but lots of the sentiment in your post resonated with me. I’m always hoping next year that I’ll achieve more, however I never even achieved well academically. Due to my circumstance now I have no time or money to even start to study so I don’t know who I’m kidding.
    We have our children though (and I can’t stand computer games either)but they mean the world to me and when I think of them I can’t help but smile. I hope I’m able to help them achieve where I failed.
    A big hug and much love to you, Jo xxx

  3. Jo Henley March 17, 2014 / 8:28 am

    I would like to point out that, Del boy did indeed become a millionaire. Your time will come Kate xxx
    Jo Henley recently posted…Silent Sunday PhotoMy Profile

  4. Midlife Singlemum March 17, 2014 / 11:10 am

    You missed out on your birth family growing up but you had a wonderful adoptive family. I’m assuming that by the way you write about our parents above. We each get a family to love and that loved us – doesn’t matter about the chemical aspect that is dna. Dna is overrated imo as it doesn’t give you love, security, happy memories, an education, etc…
    Midlife Singlemum recently posted…Fluent In Three MonthsMy Profile

  5. kateonthinice March 17, 2014 / 4:21 pm

    Thanks for all the lovely messages.
    They reminded me that I am not the only one who feels this way sometimes or a lot of the time.
    That some people do actually like and value my blog.
    That I can still giggle.
    That sometimes there is something blindly obvious that you do not see (Del Boy did indeed become a millionnaire)
    That I have blessings to count and that makes me luckier than many.

  6. Morgan Prince March 18, 2014 / 12:01 am

    I think separation is tough, in all the ways you have mentioned. It makes us think about the things we miss and why they aren’t like they ‘should be’ anymore. But I also think that separation gives us a chance to evaluate, think about stuff, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll see something that wasn’t there before. There is ALWAYS a bright side, you just have to choose to see it. x #PoCoLo

  7. Mummy Bear March 18, 2014 / 9:47 pm

    Aw what a soul-revealing post. I truly hope that you move yourself and your children to be with your husband permantly very soon. It sounds like hard work but keep on blogging and emptying your thoughts through your posts. We’re all hear to lend an ear…
    Mummy Bear recently posted…Doh!My Profile

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