Problem with pornography – what do you think?

I have a problem with pornography. There! I said it! So I thought I would unpick it in writing as I am heartily sick of trying to work out the rights and wrongs of it.

problem with pornography

Pornography played absolutely no part in my home or school life. Let’s get out there now that I was brought up as a Catholic. Add in that I am adopted so always feel I have to prove I am good enough or until recent times anyway when I seem to be nailing the whole loving myself routine.

I campaigned against the Students’ Union at college paying for the Sun to go in the common room not because it troubled me personally but because other women asked me to do so and I was their elected Women’s Officer. We won the argument and most of the people who voted were men as there were far more men at my college than women.

The first time a lad put on porn in my presence, I found it laughable. Why would he do that? We were not a couple. He did not ask if I wanted to see it. I guess at that time I was more ballsy and just asked him to turn it off which he did.

In my first long-term relationship, porn played no part whatsoever. I do not know if my boyfriend used porn or not but he certainly did not push me into it. He was far from faultless and eventually left me for a younger woman but I lived an apparently porn free life.

When I met my husband there were erotic literature books in his bedroom which he laughed about saying they were his girlfriend’s at the time. Yes there was an overlap and nope, I am not proud of that at all. His daughter also showed me a porn magazine and said it was his presumably in an attempt to get rid of the potential wicked stepmother.

Porn disappeared quickly thereafter. Yes I felt pressured to play along and watch some stuff but it was never really my bag. Of course, it arouses but not half as thrilling in my view as a bond between two people who are really into each other rather than Uncle Tom Cobbley and all or the woman next door, near relatives or animals.

One day I went to the hairdresser’s and when I came home my husband was watching porn rather than enjoying quality time with our son. That’s where the problem with my husband and his porn use started. How can you choose porn over your own son?

That is 12 or so years ago and every so often I find him using porn. It’s a “cheap thrill” apparently but as someone who is not that far of retirement age, I find that a little pathetic to be honest. It causes conflict or my attitude and “skewed thinking” does to give my husband his say on the matter.

So I was interested to see Pamela Anderson describing pornography as a “public hazard” that affects men’s “ability to function as husband, and, by extension, as father”.

“We are a guinea-pig generation for an experiment in mass debasement that few of us would have ever consented to, and whose full nefarious impact may not be known for years. How many families will suffer? How many marriages will implode? How many talented men will scrap their most important relationships and careers for a brief onanistic thrill? How many children will propel, warp-speed, into the dark side of adult sexuality by forced exposure to their fathers’ profanations?”

I always get women telling me that all men use pornography. I also know some women enjoy it. I might question who introduced them to pornography in the first place. I might question how and why people find themselves in the porn industry. That does not seem to bother users one bit that folks might be there having being abused as children, found themselves cash-strapped or are under the power of men where the women’s interests count for little.

So here is why I would prefer my husband not to use porn

1. it has hurt me over the years. I have offered to compromise but am too often hit with anger, denial and lies.

2. I have found myself lying in bed trying to work out how to appear like a porn star. That is degrading and a real barrier to true sexual intimacy.

3. I don’t like the risks that have been taken in leaving stuff around that my beloved children might see.

4. During great days in or out, I get a little niggle in my head wondering if he has porn on his mind rather than the lovely experience we appear to be having.

Most of all, I would like folks to be honest. If it is so fabulous and life-affirming why does it have to be done furtively and be lied about? Why is a conversation not had right at the start of relationships about porn so you get a choice what you are signing up for?

I know lots of men and women will not like what I say here but I am celebrating myself enough to say I might have to live with porn but I can still return to the ballsy woman who will have her say.

Is a “cheap thrill” worth sacrificing your wife and kids for?

2 Comments

  1. Tanya October 26, 2016 / 3:21 pm

    Brave and honest piece Kate. I started reading expecting the usual (and valid) ‘oh no my kids are learning about sex from porn’ article. To see porn negatively affecting parents is a whole different thing. I don’t have answers but am struck that it’s overwhelmingly men who want this escapism while flesh and blood women are neglected.

    I have 2 daughters and a son. I dislike porn for many reasons not least is that it denies females a chance to experience lust on their own terms, to figure out what feels good or not, without pressure to depilate, be slim, do anal and all the other porn cliches.

  2. Candace October 26, 2016 / 5:11 pm

    I can understand your hurt by his actions and this is what I am disliking about what you have written.

    It’s not the fact it’s porn that’s tearing you apart, upsetting you and making you feel this way, it’s his actions. I am quite shocked it’s left around where your children could find and that he has chosen something to give him pleasure over his children.

    I honestly don’t think porn is to blame, I really do feel it’s his attitude to you, his wife and his children. You all should be put first. He clearly can’t see why you shouldn’t have something you don’t like have such an impact on your life.

    He’s selfish, porn is just the excuse for not putting yours and the children’s happiness first which any living partner and father should do.

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