I am sitting in the early hours of the morning relishing the silence. Well, I say silence but the reality is Him Indoors is making the house shake with his snoring.
The cat is keeping me company which I am enjoying. He comes for the occasional rub against me but demands little more than that. If only husbands and children were so easy.
On so many levels, it is a fantastic week with new hope and a burgeoining of self-belief.
However, as I am a Mum I have also dealt with nearly all the family combatting illness in various degrees from short-term infections to migraines to psoriasis. I am not ill although I do have a niggling issue that I should get checked out. I might actually get time to do that when everyone else gets better. For now, it goes on the backburner like so many of my needs and desires.
So this week has meant I have had to stay in to do the cuddling bit. Today, Him Indoors worked so our weekend is limited to one day. I know lots of people have it much worse in terms of more demanding jobs or no job at all but right now, I am having a bit of a wallow.
I am fed up of being TATT. This is apparently how doctors abbreviate what mums tell them a lot. Go on, how many of you are “tired all the time”?
Is it any wonder in the mix of getting school uniform, bookbags and games kits together not to mention the rainforest-killing deluge of letters from school. There is the helping with homework and the making of cakes. There is the resolving of a thousand sibling disputes and the delivery of 75 snacks and meals per day. There is the dealing with the mess associated with family life and the Dirt Monster that invades our house for one. There is the scant thanks from anyone for all the efforts you make.
As I don’t have a paid or voluntary role currently, I talk myself down a lot in my own head. Useless, worthless, that sort of thing springs to mind. I know I am not alone in these feelings. Knowing that keeps me sane and helps me shout out loud “Thank Goodness for blogging!”
I feel bad for saying sometimes I need some respite from responsibility. I want to kick back and enjoy myself. I want someone else to cook, to clean, to referee and to waitress. As you can imagine, there aren’t
many/any volunteers and I resent the way Him Indoors rolls his eyes when he is asked to contribute. Yes, I know you work and have a life but I want a change of scene. You can’t underestimate the therapeutic qualities of chats with colleagues or choosing what to have for lunch. That external world that I miss so much.
I have read an article on loneliness in marriage tonight. I think he feels lonely when I am “just a mum”. I often feel isolated too. When we have time on our own, we are fine but that happens maybe twice a year if we are lucky. It is not really enough to sustain us. There are deep-rooted reasons why we don’t rely on or trust babysitters. We need a little romance in our lives but both struggle to find it. There is so much love there masked by all the other demands on our time.
How many relationships fail because there was just not the space to nurture them?