About one hour ago, my son set off with his Dad to the big hospital which is quite a way from us. Ah, the joys of rural life. He is having a CT scan.
I feel strange. There is a weird feeling around my heart.
My son was diagnosed with migraine recently so this CT scan is just for completeness really, to rule out any of those bad things that Mums immediately think of when a child starts having severe headaches.
I tell my son I love him every day but there are some days where I feel it so very much. Today, is one of them. I am almost tearful whilst also telling myself not to be so silly and that he will be fine.
My other children are sleeping. Very soon, I will wake them and I will feel that bit better as I get involved in the business of the day.
As so often, I think how sad it is that we have nobody to call on in these situations. I would like to be with my eldest son now making reassuring noises and holding his hand or whatever he needs. His Dad will do great but Dads are not Mums.
I need to be here to get the others ready for school. I am not really doing anything wrong so why do I feel guilty?
I have read up on CT scans. He needs to keep still which will be a challenge in itself as he is the most fidgety child ever. Will he be frightened? Please Daddy dig deep and be as wonderful as you were when I was in labour. You do have a good bedside manner when it really matters or if not good, the one we need.
My brave boy is acting cool and yet when I hugged him as he set off, I could feel tension suggesting that if he gave in to the cuddle he just might cry. He is so like me.
Over the last few days, to lighten things, there have been jokes about him having his head tested and the fact that the leaflets say he can drive home after the scan. Strange considering he is still a child. I might have to book myself in for one of these CT miracles if you can learn to drive just like that.
Dear God, keep him safe and keep him well.