Grief five years on is easier. The loss is less raw. Memories rarely hurt and are more likely to make you smile. So why did my Dad’s 90th birthday on Saturday hit me so hard.
I woke up, acknowledged the day on Facebook and honestly thought that apart from buying a cake in his honour that would be that.
In an attempt to make it a good day for us all, I had planned to visit a car boot sale. We found the place fine but I had got the date wrong. My husband seemed in a grumpy mood although he denied this. My daughter was really disappointed that there was no car boot sale on offer after all.
We went off in search of some paper to print off some important documents and although I located 3 places that sold it they were all shut. Eventually we headed to the supermarket where we found it.
The heat was getting to me so we headed home but I was out of sorts and that did not suit me either so we went out again and found the cake.
On returning home, I lay on my bed thinking about my Dad and feeling sad.
You can try and make these days special but nothing can change the fact that your Dad is not going to miraculously walk in the door. However much your family and friends try to understand, they can’t get inside your head and feel as you do plus your family are struggling with their own thoughts and feelings too.
I have no idea why grief five years on was so tough but it was just one day when I wallowed too much. I remembered Dad crying at an event once and me asking what was wrong and he was missing his best friend. I remember Mum would usually get to the afternoon before mentioning her parents’ anniversaries.
I either need to stop dwelling on these days or arrange to be alone to wallow somewhere.
Inevitably, on Sunday, my internal clouds lifted and a better day was had by all because when Mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy as they say.
How do you find grief after a few years have passed?