I have an appointment at the breast clinic tomorrow.
I have done so well over the last 2 weeks at staying positive and keeping things in perspective I think.
Now, I have mixed emotions. On the one hand, I am relieved the appointment came through and I did not have to chase it up. I was planning to do that tomorrow but knew there was great potential for me to bottle it. The appointment letter arrived yesterday so now it is all about attending the appointment rather than making sure I get one.
Now it is so close, I have just started to feel a little panic-stricken. In any new situation, I worry about getting things right, so I have those sort of nerves. I am wondering if I should wear a bra at all or whether I should go an buy a new one tomorrow. As if any of that really matters in the grand scheme of things.
Then there are the boobs themselves. I don’t look at other women’s boobs very often but have always thought mine a bit strange around the nipple area. My “well-travelled” husband says this is not the case but we get daft ideas about ourselves that stick sometimes.
I am not really sure what they are going to do tomorrow to me. I think my breasts get squashed at some point. That sounds like a blast, not!
There is the big worry too of course and that makes me have to think like a grown-up which I never manage particularly well.
I feel a bit guilty because as yet, this is not anything but something to be investigated and I know there are real women out there battling that disease everyone runs away from talking about.
Blogging helps calm me down though when I am emotional so hoping I will be forgiven for this post.
Nobody has to read it – it is for me really.
There is a bit of me that enjoys any drama weirdly. So many thoughts and feelings.
1. Hoping for just 10 years so I can see the children looked after and grown-up
2. Wishing I had not had such a little life and that I had contributed more
3. Wondering why I have always been such a scaredy-cat
4. Knowing some of the things that would go on my bucket list including a lunch with someone and a visit to see my half-sisters in Ireland not to mention learning to tap dance and writing that best-selling novel.
5. Being pleased Mum and Dad are dead as they would worry about all this
6. Realising how blessed I am despite my constant moans
7. Amazed and very touched at all the messages of support
8. Feeling a sudden need to push loved ones away. Stupid and self-defeating behaviour.
9. Wondering what blog post title will announce the results of the investigations – As I said, ever the writer and drama queen.
Meanwhile, I think the roast is burning a bit, the school uniform needs taking out of the drier and the big result I am waiting for is the X Factor one.
There – I feel better already.