There are seasons in blogging. I have realised this for some time and want to blog about it at some point. I emailed a blogger friend about the concept recently. Little did I know then that I was facing yet another blogging season.
I need a new blog. Somewhere to share more family-related stuff in a more anonymous or careful way. Apparently, I am late to this particular party as a fair few bloggers have revealed to me they too have such “secret” blogs.
My son revealed that he had accessed my Naked Mum blog at school. This fills me with quite a degree of hilarity in some ways but is also worrying. If a 12 year old can access a site called Naked Mum so easily from school, I think there is cause for concern. On another level, it made me question how comfortable I am with him reading my blog.
I want him to read it at some point in the future but I don’t think that time is now. The same applies to my other children.
Some of my adult step-daughters have recently told me how they resent the way their father is with our children perceiving it as being much better than how he parented them when they were children. This is also a little threatening to my equilibrium. Until they and their father can get their relationships on a good footing (and that would require effort on all their sides, everyone admitting their part in the breakdown of relationships and in my view some proper therapy too) I can’t see them dealing with my children as I would ideally like as half-siblings. So I am not sure that I am comfy with at least one of my step-daughters seeing quite so much about our family life until their feelings are more positive about us.
If they feel my husband was a bad father, wouldn’t they want him to be a better one to their half-siblings? Of course, it is not as easy as that and there are some very damaged individuals in the mix.
The tragedy is in all this is the one that did the real damage is living his life probably quite merrily and not giving any of the victims/survivors a second thought. He wins. They lose. That is the really sickening part of all this.
What I do know is that I can’t fix what is broken. I have tried for years setting up meetings, maintaining contact via email and frankly, it does not work. Every other party has tried too in their own ways but there is too much hurt on all sides and until that is cleared things will not be good.
Fortunately, two of my step-daughters are in loving relationships and if you have love in your life, you are so lucky.
The other is a single parent with bags of potential. I am not sure she feels that yet but know from my own journey that she will do one day and then the world can watch out. In the meantime, she is looking after her 3 children alone and I take my hat off to her on that score.
I think about my own half-Irish family and how they dealt with traumas. There would be huge barneys, tears, tantrums but also lots of laughter and black humour. I think it was in the end healthier to be like that. Things moved on and progressed as a result. There was forgiveness and fresh starts. The family I married into don’t seem to operate in that way and I can’t change that. On the rare occasions when they meet they have stilted conversations and never tackle the real issues they have with one another face to face dad to daughter, daughter to dad and sister to sister.
There are no perfect parents. We all f**k up or is that just me? In the end you decide whether you want a person in your life warts and all or you don’t. That applies in all relationships. Things that went wrong in the past can’t be changed. It’s about moving on to positive futures and building new memories but if all parties are not willing to do that, for those who try to facilitate it’s a pretty thankless task.
Probably quite selfishly, as my life improves, I enjoy my minutes and moments more. I have a choice as to where to direct my energies and why concentrate on areas in which you fail and where others do not want to seem to play their part?
Even if it is a bit daft, why not buy into those people who tell you that you are awesome and just go with that for a change?
So I will continue blogging as Kate on Thin Ice here ranting and raving and giving my views.
I now have another blog where I will record family life and more personal stuff. If you are someone who reads my blog and you want the address for the other one, let me know.
A new era for me and who wouldn’t love me for getting out of their face anyway?