Dark Day

I am picking up now but for much of the day my mood was so low. Black clouds weighing me down.

I hate how even with post-natal depression long gone (years ago), I can still be right back in the depths. I am not a nice person to know at such times. I get taciturn and solemn. If Him Indoors is around, I get angry and raise every real or imagined sin with him.

What were the triggers this time?

The weight gain this week and the malfunctioning scales. I have felt so in control of things for the last couple of months and then suddenly the scales were telling me either that I had not lost any weight at all or that I had reached my target weight already. It felt like I was going slightly mad and that it has finally happened, happened …

Untidiness of family. This is a bugbear for me. Am I the only person that can see when things need tidying, putting back, cleaning up? I hate how you just think you are on top of things when you walk in another room and it is a disaster zone and not of your making.

Husband texting one of his female work colleagues outside work hours. I hate this side of me but when you are stuck at home and lacking in the glamour department lifestyle wise and looks wise, I can feel really easily threatened.

Son’s birthday. He is sort of on the cusp on becoming a teenager and right now I have no faith that I am equipped to help him navigate all the challenges ahead.

So what did I do? I drank too much last night which is so very self-sabotaging. I ate too much. I had a big go at Him Indoors for anything I could think of.

My son’s birthday has motivated me to get sorted and I am Ok now, not quite as up as I would like but functioning decently enough and capable of enjoying his birthday tea and so on.

I just hate how these dark days can creep up on me and have such an adverse impact on my own life and those around me.

Before anyone has a dig at me because some mums once did saying I was too needy for them to want to know, I know that lots of mums feel this way. Blogging has taught me that if nothing else.

I am going to post later with a fun meme thing to make up for dragging readers down with this one.

10 Comments

  1. mrsshortie November 16, 2011 / 4:21 pm

    So sorry that you have had a difficult few days, its rubbish that the dark cloud never completely dissapears!

    I hope you are now feeling slightly better!

    Just remember that its ok to have dark days and not be happy all the time, and there are many of us that will support you when you have the dark days as well as celebrating the highs.

    Take Care X

  2. Nikki November 16, 2011 / 4:36 pm

    Kate,
    As a life long sufferer of depression, I know all about dark days and self sabatage!
    Sometimes we all just need to find time to just do something for us. No as a wife, mother, daughter, keeper of the peace.
    Finding and justifying that time can be a nightmare in itself.

    I’m sure, from what I know of you, that you are a beautiful, intelligent lady, with a warm and caring heart. But I’m sorry, hope I’m not shattering an illusions here, but you are not superwoman. None of us are.

    As for ‘those’ mothers, the are missing out on knowing you if they only see that side. Their loss!

    Chin up, biggest smile and look the world in the eye, you are doing a great job.

    Take care x

  3. PollyBurns2 November 16, 2011 / 4:36 pm

    As I said on Twitter, that’s the beauty of Groovingmums, we just get up again and carry on. Also, you may not feel comfortable with yourself at the moment, but if you carry on with the weight loss you very soon will be and then you won’t worry so much about who your husband is texting. Chuck your scales out, in my experience none of them work properly, and just weigh yourself when you are in town at Boots or wherever. Also, care for the carer, remember? Don’t beat yourself up, you are a clever and inspirational lady. Just unfollow anyone who says you are too needy. We are all needy, just to varying degrees, no woman is an island. People can be too hard on one another sometimes and I think that’s because we’re all terrified of being the one who’s down / got a tantrummy child / feeling out of control. Mrs Shortie is right, we all have dark days. And here endeth the lesson (sorry I hope I haven’t gone on too much). Polly x

  4. The Rambling Pages November 16, 2011 / 5:11 pm

    Meh to those mum’s who said you were to needy, what are they wonderwomen who don’t have bad days? You don’t want to know people with that attitude anyway! Hope the birthday tea goes well and you are feeling a little happier this evening. I am sinking a bit at the moment but I have so much on this week I am dog tired and that is the root of my problems as I get a little overwhelmed at times but I will reveal why next week. Chin up me luv, you are a fab mum who will navigate your teenager through this time, you’e managed every other phase in his life. At times it might not feel like he wants your help, but then did it when he was a feisty 2 year old? Boys need their mums and you will do him proud x

  5. helloitsgemma November 16, 2011 / 5:42 pm

    Oh Kate – big hugs. Good for you for recognising triggers and causes. The time of year isn’t great for feeling good and you have a lot on your plate.
    Good for you for being honest with yourself and with us.
    Onwards and upwards XX

  6. Chloe@OurPeaGreenPod November 16, 2011 / 6:46 pm

    Sorry to hear you were having a naff time, but I’m glad you are feeling a little better now. I’m sure it shall pass. All the things you feel I totally relate to & of course other women & mums alike will. I was talking just today to a friend of mine who is not a mum about men & relationships & the insecurity we feel as women, particularly when in a serious relationship & I think we all get a little, if not a lot, crazy-insecure at times. It’s good, we are all human. Just got to try & rationalise things, but we’re all allowed our days where we fly-off a bit. Take care & I hope all looks well again tomorrow.

  7. dichotomyof November 16, 2011 / 8:05 pm

    A mahoosive hug to you Kate. I think the low days are always worse when you’re in generally better place. Maybe it’s the fear you’re going to slide steadily downhill. Of course you won’t though – you’re doing so brilliantly and if you look with a long eye this is such a tiny portion of the last couple of months. Keep breathing, notice the little happy moments and it’ll soon pass.

    Feel for you about the teenage thing but you seem like such a fantastic, articulate, loving mum – how can that not be equipped? Enjoy the b’day 🙂
    xx

  8. Older mum November 16, 2011 / 9:27 pm

    Too needy? Rubbish. Pants to them. Sorry to hear you have had such a rubbish day – big cyber hug coming your way. Sorry I havent had chance toi do somthing for Grooving mums for a week – have been having a difficult week myself.

  9. Scarlet November 17, 2011 / 9:06 am

    Hope today is a better day for you. I learned to ignore the scales and went with the disappearing inches instead. I was lucky as I had the support of a friend who was an ex-professional footballer and who had a sports science degree. I trusted him when he told me to take notice of my changing body shape rather than a figure on scales which quite often are inaccurate. My husband had been telling me that for ages , but as he was seeing a difference on the scales with his weightloss I didn’t want to believe him. You are doing so well – try not to let the dodgy scales scupper your hard work. x

  10. mishmashmum November 17, 2011 / 9:05 pm

    I hate an absolutely crap day yesterday as well, one of my worst for a while where I questioned my whole role as a parent and stayed up late and alone listening to sad songs. I also ate a tonne of crap. Haven’t felt like doind much recently. Can’t be bothered to write a post for the blog. My head just feels numb. I may try to write a post tonight, even if it will be pants! Chin up x

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