You think you have changed. You talk about getting lost somewhere and wanting yourself back. You feel overwhelmed by motherhood and wifedom and hanker for carefree days. You would like to be able to make choices freely without having to think what the husband or the children need. You are selfish for sure. I think your Mum was probably “selfish” in the same way which led to her rants and difficulties. Please remember that she ended up carving out a niche for herself first at the squash club and then with her community work. There were holidays and trips off and you can have these too. The children are getting older and more independent – in a couple of years you can be as daft as you like.
Take a look. Absolutely, you are older and certainly much fatter. Having said that, you always did think you were fat even when you were size 8. You coloured your hair even then not knowing that one day you would have to do so to cover the grey. When did you stop wearing jewellery? What was that about? Rings on your fingers and in your ears. A bit of jazziness, a bit of fun – where has that gone?
There’s a drink in your hand and I think it is probably Rose d’Anjou. You still like a drink but when was the last time you had rose?
Art on the walls. Not yours but your room-mate’s choices. Remember when you had someone to talk to all the time? Remember how your insistence on things being just so led to her leaving? There were others who wanted your company then but they too have disappeared. And you miss them. Did they leave you or did your choices in life really mean you left them?
There are photos on display too looking back to childhood days in London and teenage days at the Rose and Crown. Even then you were looking back to halcyon days. Although in those days you also looked forwards with belief of great things to come.
There’s a bloke next to you who looks uncomfortable. And yes, you would still love people to feel comfy around you and you still don’t know where to start. You know, although others wouldn’t, that your heart was breaking a little that night but there you are facing the camera and putting on a very convincing brave face.
Can you see the sign? “Just because you are paranoid does not mean they are not out to get you”.
Darling, take a look. Wear some rings and get your ears re-pierced. Raise a glass of rose.
You have not changed one bit. Not really. You are a perfectionist and this makes life hard on you and those around you. You are so very imperfect. In 20 years time, there will be new glittering prizes on the list and it still won’t be good enough.
You are a hopeless case but one whose time will come and may well already be here.
You’ll be OK – you always are.