Regular readers will know that I have had my big battles with depression over the years. In the last couple of weeks or so, I have felt the dark clouds hovering again. I am pleased I see them early these days so I can do something to prevent hurtling headlong into full depression.
First there were the anniversaries of my brother’s death followed in the same week by my late Mum’s anniversary. Also I know that my Dad’s anniversary is close too. They all died in the same month which makes this a heavy time of year if I don’t take care.
Then my other brother had a huge crisis which is his business but I felt so bad for him as a long-held dream crashed leaving him in quite a precarious and undeserved position.
As the children get older, they have differing needs including where they want to live, how they wish to be educated and so much more. It all gets a bit overwhelming for a mum who struggles to be good enough at the best of times.
Tonight I feel lighter. I am searching for my birth father and it is taking its toll. Like with everything, I have gone at it like a bull in a china shop and committed hours to a search that is so far proving fruitless. I have stayed up into the early hours contacting people with his surname tiring myself out when I already have a busy schedule juggling things. Most people have ignored me, some have responded amazingly generously and one person was rude and negative.
I cannot explain what it feels like to stare at profiles and photographs trying to see a family resemblance or a clear link to my roots. Soul-destroying probably sums it up but equally you retain that glimmer of hope.
Anyway, my highlights of the week will help build on an already more positive mood.
- I have a new Aunt or rather I am in touch with one for the first time from my birth mother’s side. She seems really sassy and someone I would like if I met them anywhere. She is intelligent, warn and a bit of a campaigner. Right up my street! We are unpicking out way through a relationship really well considering.
- I have a good relationship online with 2 half-sisters one adopted and one who remained in the birth family.
- My family have worried about me this week which shows they love me. I have had my daughter and husband telling me over and over to get some sleep and to take better care of myself.
- I have returned to the marital bed – that’s a whole other story but it is helping me sleep well.
- I have managed to read a book. I always struggle to allow myself the luxury to just read.
- I have a home education “contract” with my son very much based on what he wants to learn but also covering key topics so that I am happy too. We did some really good thinking and feeling about the events of 9/11.
- I had a social life on Friday and Saturday. Saturday was particularly great as I was also treated to a free meal and a special cocktail.
- On Sunday I was really happy with a cheeky coffee morning that went just as I wished.
- I have had some free clothing offered and have ordered some distressed jeans and a leopard skin top to keep my mid-life crisis going nicely. Oh and I have a bra and pants coming soon too. Love the perks of blogging sometimes!
- Tomorrow, I will be out and about again celebrating one year of finding a very special place.
So I guess I am saying that sometimes keeping on keeping on is a great reason to be cheerful and I am reminded that I am far stronger than I sometimes feel.
And finally, if I don’t find my birth Dad, I can always celebrate my “real Dad” whose anniversary I will mark on 23rd September quite possibly with a tot o rum.
How is your week going?