Until today I was having a relatively good week. Today is yet another rubbish Valentine’s Day where nobody loves me enough to send a card or a gift. Same old, same old. When I was with my husband I would get stuff usually largely with him doing it reluctantly and not seeing the point but he tried. In my daft way, I have let it get to me. Why has my older son not touched base? Why has the new man not sent a card? And so I go on. I do try to be a good person but too often feel totally unappreciated and rejected.
I think I am getting better as I went out and bought treats like flowers, chocolate, cake and ice-cream for me and the children. I even lobbed in a bottle of Baileys as it was on offer. It will be a bad idea to drink it today but the bottle is pretty.
My job seems to be going better now I feel less out of control emotionally. I have realised employment is a different beast these days and I can’t fight it. Systems and processes are God – so be it! I need to make money for myself and my children so there is not point doing my King Canute act. I still get scope to be creative and that went really well last week. There were several days where I actually recognised and liked myself.
I have taken more time for relaxation this week and staked my claim on the house a bit more rather than feeling like a guest in it.
I am still failing miserably on the Body Shop front with no orders but so what!
My husband has told me the French friends are disgusted with me so that was sad to hear too. People don’t seem to realise I did not want to cheat. I don’t understand why I did really. People close to me say it wasn’t cheating as my husband had removed himself physically and emotionally and was in a different country contacting me rarely and usually angrily.
Anyway, all this is me being silly about the lack of Valentine’s. Best get ready for Mother’s Day now. Loaded events all too often disappointing.
The main news to share that people were kind and reached out to me after my last post and the pic on Instagram. Thank you!
I have bit the bullet and sought professional help. I spoke to a therapist last week and have another to speak to tomorrow before deciding who I will go with. I am keen to try Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy. The woman the other day said I have faced multiple traumas and some abuse in a relatively short period of time. There may well be unresolved issues from my childhood too which was a good one but you can’t run away from the fact I was away from parents for most of the first year of my life.
Another uninspiring post I am afraid but I believe I am making progress one baby step at a time.