I am struggling emotionally. I am not really sure why but that beast of depression is knocking on my door. I am not going to let it in but that means I need to take care of myself. I think it started last week when someone we had just met questioned things like our home education choice and the fact my children are not sporty. I can do a very good job of questioning myself as a mum as it is. I really don’t need any help in that regard.
Then there is the on going lack of a perfect marriage. I probably need to work out that marriages are not perfect and to work out what I want out of life. I am confronting my oldest son leaving home with the inevitable emotional pain that brings. If we want to move, it looks like we will have to rehome our pets. With growing teenagers, I seem less and less relevant.
The good thing is that I am self-aware enough to recognise that knock on the door and to tackle it. I have not eaten well for a while so am changing that. I do wish Spring would hurry up and get here instead of just sending occasional bright days that tease. Anyway, part of the baby steps to good mental health which can come quickly is to count the positives and there are always some if we look for them.
We saw a house that was in a great location and perfect for us. It is much smaller and more manageable than where we are now. As I get older, I just want some easier options and this house was so practical. However, it looks like we would have to rehome our pets to get it and I will miss them if they go. I find it so challenging to make up my mind about anything these days and that gets me down.
I had an almighty wobble about home education this week. I ranted a bit. I could so a school type day so well I think but that is not how home education seems to work which is great but also wobble-inducing. I have happy teenagers. That should be enough I guess but I worry so much. Anyway, I sought the support of Home Education UK on Facebook and had so much back-up. Seems I also helped others by highlighting concerns they share. Plus an old contact from my days in Leeds got in touch and said I could vent at her and I just out-poured a whole heap of stuff. It felt better for getting it out there. Yesterday we did French which we do a lot of to be fair and also some mathematics. Today I have done some poetry to mark World Poetry Day with my son sharing Larkin and T.S.Eliot. My son impressed me listening intently and by sharing his insights too. So I guess wobbles or not, I am teaching them along the way. I am going to invest in some more workbooks as I need them to hold my hand.
We did the big supermarket shop last night. This always cheers me as it gives us lots of choices for meals and I do like to make the most of our freezer. My husband cooked a lovely meal with lamb last night which I have not had for a couple of years or so. It is always a favourite.
Working things out
I am aware that low moods are a way of the universe telling us to wake up a bit. I miss easy conversations with adults. I miss making a difference like I used to do when working for charities. I need more stimulation and to stop always blaming my husband when I am bored. Also I sometimes feel hemmed in – I rarely get any time just for me and so inevitably that becomes challenging. I could do with a break for a night or two and I can work towards that. had an horrendous period this week so painful and longer-lasting than usual. I imagine that the journey to menopause has an impact on our emotions too.
Celebrating positive changes
The fact is I live in a lovely community where I can access laughter and conversation when I want to do so. This is so much more than I had for so many years. I need to remember that. I live in beautiful countryside and although a move to a village would be good, I should be pleased that we have lovely surroundings right now. Whatever the choices moving forwards, we have had a mighty good adventure in the last 2 years that we have all learned from.
This is a mixed bag of sad stuff and happy stuff but I think the fact I can see the good for the trees is a sign that depression may knock but is an unwelcome guest who I will turn away.