I am making plans. I am doing this as I keep feeling overwhelmed and emotional. I think it is probably my age. I am questioning whether I have done anything useful in life and whether I made the right choices along the way. I keep thinking about what I want and coming up with opposing ideas that are equally convincing. As you can imagine, that is a bit exhausting. So I am taking baby steps because I know that works and as I tick of achievements, I should start to feel more positive. One big plan is to keep recording the weekly good stuff so that I don’t forget it because there is lots of good stuff in my life right now despite my ever-changing moods.
1. I keep bursting into tears but I am going to send my 18 year old to live overseas with my brother. It is what he needs right now. I am scared to let him go but it has to happen sometime. I am reminding myself that I left school at 18 and my mum cried too. This is normal not me being weird.
2. Talking of my late mum, I keep seeing her as I go to sleep. This is new and lovely. She is dressed up in a stylish black and bling outfit. She does not speak but she is back because she knows I am struggling a little at this time where so much is changing.
3. I have also started to pray again and am finding that comforting.
4. I am making progress towards rehoming my last two pets. Again it is sad but it needs to happen.
5. I have had some good times with my husband doing simple things like grocery shopping or watching telly. Really enjoyed The Widow and The Victim recently.
6. I am being more organised with money which is relieving a lot of stress.
7. I met a lovely couple last week who are thinking of moving here. They were looking at houses and it was great to tell them about our adventures here. The woman was so lovely to talk to and she was so complimentary about my 18 year old son saying how the UK needs him and his values. She also was surprised saying I am look much younger than my age and that I should take notice when the men compliment me as I am actually very attractive. It made me think that I was always identified quite early in life first as the rejected/adopted one and then as the intelligent/boring one. So I have never rated myself on the attractiveness front but perhaps with all this positive feedback I can reframe that. We hope to see the couple again in the not too distant future.
8. I am going to look at changing my week up completely next week. Blogging has a dopey habit of taking over my life way too much. A break would do me the power of good and now we have sunshine I should be out in it more often.
9. We have had some good home education sessions this week. I still stress about this part of my life so much. I hope like many parenting challenges I will look back in years to come and think it worked out OK in the end.
10. My amazing daughter has her 15th birthday this week. She asked for very little and had a happy day with new books and lots of home-made cake and sugary treats.
8. The week has included giggles and invitations – it always does in this magical place. Which is what will make it very hard to leave if I have to but that is for another time if at all. I must not think too far ahead.