So let me write a little about my day. I went for a lovely long walk with my 17 year old and the dogs in the countryside. I taught my 12 year old son about abstract art and Wilfred Owen as part of our home education journey. I chased freelancing opportunities and kept up with blogging work. I did not clean much at all today which is very unusual.
I fell asleep later in the afternoon. I find this happens from time to time since I got closer to middle age. Apparently this is not unusual in women of a certain age.
My husband works from home and was working away all day in the office popping out at lunchtime for food supplies. I asked him to bring me something nice and he bought a tasty cream cake. He also suggested we should go out together mid-week instead of reserving that to the weekends. I think this was a response to me saying last night that I get a little bored being stuck out in the countryside all the time during the week.
Tonight, he started cooking. I went to ask if I could help. He did not reply so I said “Hello!” reasonably loudly but only because he has hearing issues and says I mumble. Also the cooking was making noises too. I had no bad intention. If I had, I would be honest about it. He lost his temper. He accused me of stupidity and said I was lacking in sense. He also strangely said I was talking in a psychedelic and Green Party way.
When I put a metal spoon towards the pan to pick up food, he grabbed it and threw it across the kitchen. It was pretty clear by now that he was and is extremely angry with me. He says I never praise him. He says I shout at him and criticise him all the time.
I think some of this is stemming from me saying last night that I would consider returning to the United Kingdom especially if my teenage son goes back there. I am not sure how I feel about having a sea between us. I love it here in France but I also think I have learned a lot from being here that I could apply positively back in the UK. I could also fancy getting a job and making a difference in some way like I used to many years ago now.
I am by no means clear what I want to do. I do love it here and the community is so friendly and I do enjoy the bars, the food and the beautiful surroundings. We are not far from the sea and I always love trips to the coast.
I would still love that marriage you think about when you are full of romantic notions. I thought I had a real “us” relationship for a long time. Then I found out that my husband was addicted to porn and had joined more than one dating site. I was so hurt by that for a long time. It still disappoints me but I now have enough self-belief to think it was little to do with me and all about him and his values.
As I get older, I do wonder about what makes my husband tick. I do not fully understand why he is not in touch with his children from his first marriage, his grandchildren and his great grandchild.
I don’t know why he promised he would get involved in the home education journey and has done so little in the last few years which I feel leaves an awful lot of pressure on me when I am also juggling other things. Mind you to be fair, he does not get involved in much parenting really. He will tell the children off. He does not really get involved in establishing values, teaching them or ensuring they keep clean and so on. He does cook for them regularly. He is not all bad by any means.
He says I think I am perfect. I don’t. I know I can be moody and I know that according to him and others I over-analyse things. I just think I analyse things and that’s OK and very much part of who I am. I am not a domestic goddess by any stretch but I do try hard on that front. I annoy him by stacking things up wrong when I wash up and so on. I honestly do try to do the right thing. Too often, it feels like I am trying to shove a huge boulder up a hill and the slightest thing will result in him losing his temper and that boulder rolling down the hill again.
He shouts a lot. I don’t like it. He says I am a shouter but the children tell me it is him who shouts. I think so too but in arguments like tonight, I guess my voice probably does increase in volume. I know this is not good.
It’s like a whole heap of things are becoming clearer to me. I don’t like that he hates us making fusses around birthdays, Christmas and other special events. I like to have daft tea parties and stuff like that. He does not see the point and thinks birthdays and so on are just another day. So I always feel a bit stupid for making the effort although I know it is worth it because the children have those good memories. I have a milestone birthday coming up soon and he has done nothing towards it. I know you should not expect it but it would be nice to have the faith he would treat me on that special day in some way. I should point out that if I pointed him to a shelf and an item in the supermarket, he would buy me whatever it was.
I think perhaps at core I am an independent woman who really can’t understand why I don’t have it anymore. I would like to reclaim it but don’t know if I have it in me or the strength now I am older. I do know going into bars and being treated well has made me feel so much better about myself. I toy with the idea of asking for help of some of the customers or owners. Although I would like to keep the marriage going in many ways, I also feel it would be so relaxing to not have to walk on egg shells trying to work out what I can do to make my husband happy. I hate my intelligence being resented. I can’t actually help having the brain cells I do. Also if I am honest, I don’t particularly want prizes for great housework. I want to be valued for who I am and what I can do rather than listening to a litany of all the things I get wrong.
I recognise that there is an irony in writing this post which is presumably over-analysing things. I also realise this post includes criticisms of my husband so perhaps he has a point in thinking I am super-critical.
I think if I had the strength, the finances and the courage, it would be lovely to have a key for a front door of my own and also to get my bank card back for good. I let him have it for convenience but then on nights like this feel so stupid for doing so,
The weird thing is I used to think stuff like this and get all solar plexus painful and tearful. Sometimes I would take off into the night on my own stupidly putting myself at risk. That does not happen anymore so I am hoping I am feeling my strength a little more. I guess I just feel I would like to do things my way however wrongly for a change almost to see if that could work better. Trying to please clearly is not working.