My word of the week is separation.
I am separated from my husband after 16 years of being together in good times and bad. There are pros and cons to this situation but it is a separation all the same.
I am separated from my children not being up to date and down with the kids. I don’t understand the attraction of video games remotely and hate having to pretend I do. I remember my own Mum struggling to keep up with things like automatic washing machines and video recorders. So shoot us!
I am separated from my parents through death. I know this applies to so many people but I don’t like it. Not one bit.
I am separated from my college friends who all got fed up of me along the way. The one I do have was never a friend back in the day which shows just how odd life can be. Meanwhile I miss the others and want them back.
My oldest school friend is living in Spain and I do not believe I will ever see her again.
Today, I saw a photo of my birth family posted on Facebook. Can it be said right now that I am in my humble opinion the absolute spit of my maternal grandmother now deceased and never met? She never knew I existed. I feel that and then know that is not allowed when you are adopted. She had real grandchildren and I am a nothing.
I am separated from what I think I was meant to be. I used to be good at things. I was seen as exceptionally bright. Now I spend my days hating school runs and the drudgery of housework. Where did I go? I am occasionally through blogging and other things shown glimpses of what I was meant to be but they are only glimpses and in some ways just taunt me showing me what I could have been and am not.
I feel I live my life in a constant state of “This time next year I will be something” a bit like Del Boy and his “This time next year we will be millionaires”.
There you go and upbeat post from Weighty Katie.
I am not down as such.
I just feel a bit fed up and want to get out the various frustrations out of my system. Blogging always helps me deal with my feelings and sometimes work out what to do next too.
I am miffed that having helped loads with the great job search for my husband, he has started the new life but myself and the children are left behind. I know it has to be this way but I still don’t like it much particularly when I think about all the adventures waiting for us once we can manage to get moved.
He has come home for weekends. It is good to see him but also feels odd as I am already developing my own ways of doing things. I sense we are both less patient with the other person’s flaws having lived without them for the first time in many years. This may be good in the long run but that impatience is hard to contend with when dealing with limited hours together.
There is also that bit that always spoils Christmas Day a little that there seems to be so much resting on it. You have planned and looked forward to it so you have to make it extra special regardless of realities like not feeling well, having a fall or whatever. Plus we have all the practical things to discuss and sort out.
I am also fed up that no matter how much housework I do, it mushrooms at such a speed and needs doing all over again. I try to put systems in place but to be honest I don’t really want to do housework every day but know that it is vital to keep on top of things. I still can’t work out why the woman all too often ends up with this as her role despite others living in the house. I am well aware that makes me a bad wife and mother in some people’s eyes but I am probably at core a very selfish person.
The grief thing keeps coming up particularly as I go through a lot of Mum and Dad’s things as I attempt to declutter knowing a move is coming up. I am alright. Life goes on. Time does ease things a bit but there is this angry voice inside that says loud and clear that I do not like life as much without my parents in it. It feels like crossing an ocean and realising there is no way back.
I am getting older. I have not done much with my life really and that frustrates me. I get annoyed at myself because if somebody is to change things, it will have to me but sometimes I can’t even remember what my hopes and dreams were or are now.
Even blogging is under question for me right now. What is the point bleating on? It makes me feel better but does it actually help me move forward. Then I question why am always wanting to strive and move forward. Perhaps I should just learn a level of self-acceptance.
Fundamentally, I wish life came with a manual because sometimes I really don’t get it at all.
And yes I am OK – not depressed – just frustrated and a bit sad about some things.
I am feeling in a bit of a muddle this week. I guess it is the mixture of quite enjoying being my own boss whilst my husband is away combined with impatience to get our new life started. I am so ready for a new adventure!
So what is making me smile this week?
1. My husband came home for the weekend. He arrived at about 2am and I had locked him out by accident! So the reunion was postponed till about 7am. He forgave me immediately which I do think makes him a bit of a saint to be honest. It was lovely to spend time together again and to enjoy his cooking and one of his world famous salads. It was easy to let him go back on Sunday knowing that he had returned and not run off with some amazing woman and that the future is bright.
2. I got glowing reports for my daughter and youngest son at their parents’ evenings. My son is very gifted but also comic and sociable. All good. My daughter has grown in self-belief and was described as a “high-flyer” with literacy to A-Level standard on occasion. Not bad for a 9 year old!
3. I am decluttering and finding that I am able to let things go that I have been clinging on to since Mum and Dad died. They had their lives and good ones. I am not letting them down by saying goodbye to some of their possessions.
4. The sunshine is here so much and I love seeing the children and animals enjoy it. It was great to eat out at the weekend on the patio.
5. My husband is looking at some potential houses for us over the next couple of days – keep everything crossed!
I may be avoiding making World Book Day costumes by posting my Reasons to be Cheerful instead. You may think that but I couldn’t possibly comment.
1. I have had coped fine since my husband left at the weekend. He is keeping in touch regularly. I am taking a firm line with the children on things like bedtimes and X Box access. In a funny sort of way, being on my own makes this easier. I also think the time to myself to think and work out what I want out of life is doing me the power of good. The children are trying their best to be extra helpful too. In return, I am trying to work up that mountain to more yummy mummy in terms of reading more stories to them on a night and as I said, making home-made World Book Day costumes instead of heading to the supermarket for them.
2. My youngest son made me smile today when he complained about the competitions on programmes like Daybreak not having proper and testing questions. He is like me and not at all a fan of things that don’t test him.
3. My oldest son is doing errands for me when I need him to do with good grace. I am getting lots of extra hugs in case I am missing Dad too much.
4. My daughter seems to be getting achievement awards every week from school so that I can hardly keep up. She did some amazing work on pirates recently. She also sent an email to her Dad which was so funny and made her feelings quite clear about his former employer!
5. I am reading more. I started “Baggage” by Janet Street-Porter last night. It is the story of her childhood and you can see already how she is very much her parents’ daughter which she would probably hate considering what she has to say about them on telly.
6. I have started a healthy eating pattern which is way overdue.
7. My husband has viewed some houses. We have not found the right place yet but are feeling more confident that we will.
8. The kittens are thriving and getting very sibling like having the occasional bash each other session. Very soon, they will be ready for advertising and on the lookout for new homes.
9. This week, I had a day where the patio doors were open so I reckon Spring is most definitely on its way.
Have yourself an amazingly happy week!
Lent starts today and amazingly there was some coverage on programmes like Daybreak.
I listened to a priest effectively telling us that it is not about giving up chocolate but about facing our own mortality. To be honest, since I lost my parents I am all too aware that life is much shorter than I ever worked out before.
Ash Wednesday – Mum would go to church and then onto bingo always convinced the ashes on her forehead added to her good luck. Being her, it usually did. Faith moves mountains and bingo balls it seemed.
Yesterday, I had a really awful dizzy spell on the afternoon school run. It felt like I was going to pass out and I had no confidence in making the 5 minute journey home. The children were wonderful stroking me as we went along and then my teenager wrapping me up in a duvet and blankets when I got back home.
Today, my leg felt like it was letting me down.
Sometimes we need any excuse or reason to get back to healthy eating.
I am an emotional over-eater and recent months have seen me engaging in self-destructive eating patterns. There have been a lot of visits to town for bags of chips and Cornish pasties and pastries.
It is Lent.
My health is a bit hit and miss.
It is time to take action.
So I am wobbling my way back this Wednesday.
I have eaten a lot today but all healthy stuff – porridge, eggs, cereal. I intend to have a vegetable stir-fry tonight.
The children are having baked potatoes with tuna and beans on the side.
I have stocked up via internet shopping on a lot of vegetables and fruits.
Wish me luck not for the bingo but for wobbling my way back to health and fitness.