Reflections on control – Best Boot Forward

I was going to write a post about all the things that have had control over me in my life for this week’s Best Boot Forward. I may do that but for now I hope this will fit in with the theme of control.

My husband has just stormed off again this time because I questioned him when he said a detective was making a mountain out of a molehill regarding the murder of a child. I did not go mad – I just suggested it was perhaps not the right term to use. Bickering followed and I am alone again but with time and space to blog so let’s focus on the positives and tackle this week’s questions.

1. I have better control of my emotions these days. I have very few low days and only when tired. In the past, my husband would storm off and I would follow him crying, shouting or whatever. Now I have the sense to let him go and get on with my own life. I got control of my emotions by reaching out for support online and via the GP. I learned to forgive myself for not being a perfect parent and to see the factors that led me to not being a good enough parent on occasion.

I have better control of my destiny as I have undertaken training that showed me how to work more effectively and with great results. If I can do that once, I can do that again and again. This brings me a lot of hope and allows me to dream too.

Recently I have taken control of my schedule much better and now have set time aside for more structured home education sessions and quality time with the children. Life is short and they need to have good memories of our times together.

I am also managing housework better by researching effective methods online and investing in the right products to help me.

I have learned to eat what I like so that I have a healthier diet and also to limit my drinking of alcohol.

Controlling schedules also means that I read more which is a joy.

I have taken control of my personal space by having a bed that I can go to alone when the mood takes me rather than sleeping on an uncomfy sofa which was happening on several nights per week on average.

2. The aspect of my life that I struggle with most is still my relationship. My late mum questioned whether I was cut out for them after my first boyfriend cheated on me. Perhaps she was right. I do like my own company. I like the freedom to express opinions and feelings. I am bright and analytical and don’t like the feeling that I have to apologise for that. My love life is practically non-existent so that glue for relationships is not around much. So I guess as perhaps in many long-term marriages, romance is gone and it’s nice to have a friend along for the ride. I guess I just fell for the Cinderella Complex and thought I would find my prince in time.

So should I go to a GP? Well I don’t have any physical or mental health issues currently. Let’s face it – my husband is unlikely to go and ask for help in the bedroom department. I regularly read up on how to improve relationships but surely this should not be a solo sport.

Is there training for marriage? Perhaps there should be but once again, my husband has always managed to skip any suggestion of Relate and the like. I do the bulk of the parenting, the educating, the income-generating, the housework – do I have to do the bulk of the relationship stuff too?

Time management may be the answer. As a couple we can have so much fun when outside but just can’t seem to enjoy each other much at home perhaps because it is our workplace, our school room and more. I still resent the burden of housework falling largely on me. My husband does the washing and a lot of the cooking to be fair but what about the muckier jobs and why are they always mine?

So as my husband works shifts perhaps I should just go to another room and do something else rather than sit watching telly whilst wanting stimulating conversation. After all the aspects of life I have control over are ones that bring me pleasure that I can have alone or with the children. I would quite like a social life of my own or with my children too rather than always being a two when out in public. I might be able to persuade my husband to drive me to the village for that. I guess the real answer is to learn to drive or to move closer to amenities.

Could I delegate control of anything to others? I think my children would be willing to help me more if I asked them and showed them how.

On the marriage front, right now I am more than happy to delegate control if anyone is up for taking on Misery Guts.

I feel a bit guilty writing this post especially because I know some of you have it so much worse.

2 thoughts on “Reflections on control – Best Boot Forward”

  1. No ones situation is worse, it’s the degree of the situation and it’s effect on us that’s the problem not necessarily the problem itself. It does sound like that in you’re relationship you’ve both taken each other for granted and being in the house 24/7 isn’t doing you any good Kate. I’ve a million and one suggestions, but both parties need to realize there’s an issue first. For me you know I spend most of my time on my own, whereas my husband is at work all day with people and comes home to switch off and rest. We end up sitting on the sofa all night, him watching tv and me on the internet. I started to resent it so said it’s ok, but I’d like to do something together please and suggested dog walks or going out for a coffee, helping me in the garden etc. he does this more than willingly. At first I felt resentful that it always falls in me to make the suggestions, but at the end of the day it gives me time out of the house and adult company conversation which I crave. Hope you can find a way to sort your relationship out.

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