I feel like I am running out of steam. I have had this post in my mind for weeks if not months. It might be an important one to write in terms of moving me forwards positively. I do count my blessings. I have 3 children who are such individuals with strong characters and values. I have a husband who works. I try to juggle and perhaps even having a lot to juggle is a sign of a life well lived. I live in idyllic countryside and I have made acquaintances or quite possibly friends in the last couple of years. So perhaps I just need to do a little life review and see where it takes me.
1. Work – I need a new challenge. I have some ideas but cannot decide where I should go or what I should do next. With my education and experience, I should have done way better in life by now. I really do feel hooking up with men and becoming a parent have held me back on the career front. Or perhaps it is that I put my husband and children first and sometimes that might be to my own personal detriment. I wonder if it is too late for me to do well now. Perhaps I should just accept my lot in life. Or perhaps I should throw caution to the wind and become someone worth knowing with an important role of my own out there. It embarrasses me massively as I see what my peers from college are doing with their lives in comparison with little drudge me.
2. Marriage – I would like a husband who appears to enjoy being with me. That happens sometimes usually when we are out and about. In the domestic arena, it feels like if I keep quiet I am doing the wrong thing and if I chat I am an annoyance. I try so hard to please but I just don’t really think that I do. My husband appears to be in pain a lot, hates his hearing issues and other physical things happening as he gets old. I have come to terms just about that for whatever reason, it was not my fate to meet a man who would put me on a pedestal. That might even be a good thing but as a child of the Eighties, I fell for the Cinderella complex thing.
3. Oldest son – I feel I let my oldest son down. I had depression when he was little when I should have been a magical mum. He is so worth it. He is very much my son in looks, interest and values. He wants to change the world for the better and to help other people. I love him but I wish I could have done whatever was needed for him to come out with better exam results to move him forwards in life. I feel that I have failed him. He wll go away to live with my brother for a while. I think this will do him good but of course I will miss him desperately.
4. My daughter – I worry about my daughter because she is home-educated. She beavers away all day long researching, writing and doing art. She listens to music and is happy. When she talks to me she is clearly learning loads and yet I stress because most of the time sitting with me doing workbooks and the like is not her bag. So I worry about how she will be seen when she grows up as someone who was educated at home and whether this will hold her back. I want her to have independence so that no bloke can come along like in my life finding her wanting and making her question herself too much. Fortunately right now she is very much the strident feminist who feels she has no interest in men or having children. I used to be like that too though and we have seen how that panned out.
5. My youngest son – I feel I am letting him down too. In the drive to make money I cannot give him all the time I would like to and he is a child who needs input when it comes to learning. It would be my dream to just be a home educator with a husband who earned enough to keep us afloat with the basics and little luxuries like an occasional meal out of whatever. Or probably to put the children back in school and have a role of my own. On the positive side of things because we must always look at those, my son is full of charisma with a deep interest in cookery that we can build on.
6. Social life – I like to go out and see friends but to do so costs money that I don’t always have. It has been a revelation to find people here who want to talk and laugh with me. Do I need to stay in this place so that remains present or could I find exactly the same elsewhere? Have I bought into the fact that I am fundamentally not of interest to people for way too long? If I was writing this as a novel, I know how I would end it but that is a story for another day.
7. Looking after me – I am taking care of myself more than ever. I read which I did not allow myself to do for years thinking I should be working or cleaning or whatever. I take long forest walks. This is very much my happy place deep in the woods enjoying nature. I enjoy being me out and about where I can be with people who laugh when I try to be funny and listen when I talk without hating me for interrupting some television programme.
I need to remember of course that other people have their own issues. I am just living my story but I need to question whether it is the right thing for me. Surely it can’t be about other people all the time? So am I running out of steam or just giving myself a timely wake-up call?