Running out of steam or am I?

I feel like I am running out of steam. I have had this post in my mind for weeks if not months. It might be an important one to write in terms of moving me forwards positively. I do count my blessings. I have 3 children who are such individuals with strong characters and values. I have a husband who works. I try to juggle and perhaps even having a lot to juggle is a sign of a life well lived. I live in idyllic countryside and I have made acquaintances or quite possibly friends in the last couple of years. So perhaps I just need to do a little life review and see where it takes me.

1. Work – I need a new challenge. I have some ideas but cannot decide where I should go or what I should do next. With my education and experience, I should have done way better in life by now. I really do feel hooking up with men and becoming a parent have held me back on the career front. Or perhaps it is that I put my husband and children first and sometimes that might be to my own personal detriment. I wonder if it is too late for me to do well now. Perhaps I should just accept my lot in life. Or perhaps I should throw caution to the wind and become someone worth knowing with an important role of my own out there. It embarrasses me massively as I see what my peers from college are doing with their lives in comparison with little drudge me.

2. Marriage – I would like a husband who appears to enjoy being with me. That happens sometimes usually when we are out and about. In the domestic arena, it feels like if I keep quiet I am doing the wrong thing and if I chat I am an annoyance. I try so hard to please but I just don’t really think that I do. My husband appears to be in pain a lot, hates his hearing issues and other physical things happening as he gets old. I have come to terms just about that for whatever reason, it was not my fate to meet a man who would put me on a pedestal. That might even be a good thing but as a child of the Eighties, I fell for the Cinderella complex thing.

3. Oldest son – I feel I let my oldest son down. I had depression when he was little when I should have been a magical mum. He is so worth it. He is very much my son in looks, interest and values. He wants to change the world for the better and to help other people. I love him but I wish I could have done whatever was needed for him to come out with better exam results to move him forwards in life. I feel that I have failed him. He wll go away to live with my brother for a while. I think this will do him good but of course I will miss him desperately.

4. My daughter – I worry about my daughter because she is home-educated. She beavers away all day long researching, writing and doing art. She listens to music and is happy. When she talks to me she is clearly learning loads and yet I stress because most of the time sitting with me doing workbooks and the like is not her bag. So I worry about how she will be seen when she grows up as someone who was educated at home and whether this will hold her back. I want her to have independence so that no bloke can come along like in my life finding her wanting and making her question herself too much. Fortunately right now she is very much the strident feminist who feels she has no interest in men or having children. I used to be like that too though and we have seen how that panned out.

5. My youngest son – I feel I am letting him down too. In the drive to make money I cannot give him all the time I would like to and he is a child who needs input when it comes to learning. It would be my dream to just be a home educator with a husband who earned enough to keep us afloat with the basics and little luxuries like an occasional meal out of whatever. Or probably to put the children back in school and have a role of my own. On the positive side of things because we must always look at those, my son is full of charisma with a deep interest in cookery that we can build on.

6. Social life – I like to go out and see friends but to do so costs money that I don’t always have. It has been a revelation to find people here who want to talk and laugh with me. Do I need to stay in this place so that remains present or could I find exactly the same elsewhere? Have I bought into the fact that I am fundamentally not of interest to people for way too long? If I was writing this as a novel, I know how I would end it but that is a story for another day.

7. Looking after me – I am taking care of myself more than ever. I read which I did not allow myself to do for years thinking I should be working or cleaning or whatever. I take long forest walks. This is very much my happy place deep in the woods enjoying nature. I enjoy being me out and about where I can be with people who laugh when I try to be funny and listen when I talk without hating me for interrupting some television programme.

I need to remember of course that other people have their own issues. I am just living my story but I need to question whether it is the right thing for me. Surely it can’t be about other people all the time? So am I running out of steam or just giving myself a timely wake-up call?

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19 thoughts on “Running out of steam or am I?”

  1. Kate, you sound like me–I have an emptying nest, and as my sons fly away into adult lives, there is so much MORE that I wish I had done. Given a second chance, however, it is likely that I would do the exact same thing all over again, and it is my job to trust that I have been the mother God has chosen for them.
    Your kids are blessed to have a mum who loves them so much that even after she has given all she had at the time, she still wishes she could give more.

  2. It’s never too late to start living the life you want. Past regrets can’t be changed, but the future can be. Put yourself first for a change and go after what you really want

  3. It sounds like you are ready to make some changes in your life.
    I think it’s normal to worry about our kids and we are often too hard on ourselves when it comes to them. x

  4. Sometimes we do need to shake things up. About 10 years ago, around the time my mom died, I had a tipping point in my life. Lots of things changed, most of them for the better. I think every parent wishes they would have done things better, more, differently. We do the best we can under the current conditions.

  5. It sounds like you have given a lot to your children, and continue to do so. Remember you are their model – if you want them to chase dreams and work hard and love passionately, you need to show them what that looks like.

  6. To be honest, it sounds a little like depression is creeping in, so get that checked out. But firstly, you can change the work situation at any time, so if you want to move forward, start applying for things, make it happen. Secondly, with your son, you can’t change the depression in the past, but you can also remember that he was responsible for his own exam results (unless it was that you didn’t actually teach him what he needed to know for the exams – not sure if you home educated him?). Realistically, once you start working, no one cares about your exam results, and if he wants to go to Uni, he can mature age entry it or go overseas for a year and transfer back or there are a myriad of other ways in. With your daughter, no one cares where you went to school or if you were home educated once school is over – you don’t want her to be the sad loser that bangs on about it all the time (I went to private school – I think your public school? – and I can’t tell you how pathetic I think people are that talk about where they went to school like that’s some sort of kudos. It asctually lowers them in my opinion that they think something that happened 10 or 20 or now 30 years ago is somehow relevant to anything. Your marriage comment about the pedestal is just not realistic – no marriage that survives is that movie thing. However, if you are constantly uncomfortable in the marriage, it would be worth seeing a councellor to see if it’s real or in your head. He could be irritated all the time due to pain and hearing, or you could be projecting his reaction. That is something worth working on. The seeing friends, entertain them in cheap ways – organise a bring a plate party or picnic, there are plenty of ways to socialise where you don’t have to spend money on them. It is great that you are taking care of yourself, That can change the whole world view. Good luck with it all. Remember, a midlife crises also sounds exactly like this. So if that’s it, you need to work out what will make you happy and what you can change, and how to come to peace with what you can’t. #Stayclassymama

  7. sometimes we don’t feel like we have any control over our lives and it never hurts to take sti=ock and think about the little changes we can make #pocolo

  8. As a mum I am constantly questioning am I doing enough and I think about making a big move but then I don’t because I worry it may negatively impact on their lives. We keep putting our wants or dreams on a back burner because we want better for them than we ever had for ourselves. It saddens me to hear you compare where you are to others who graduated with you as in reality their lives may seem more sparkly but maybe they are craving what you have? We often see that grass as greener don’t we? Plus people are so good at telling themselves their lives are great and they are happy even when they are not, at least you are seeing you life with honestly and acknowledging that you need to make some changes in order to feel more fulfilled! Don’t just accept things as your lot in life, you are so passionate and talented and I think you should step out of that shadow you have been hiding behind. I think you are about to come to a point where you realise you matter more and you are going to make some hard, and maybe painful choices but it will lead you to a happier road! Thank you for linking up #ABloggingGoodTime

  9. It’s tough isn’t it, when you start questioning your life. I do this often, could I have done better, where did I go wrong, am I still making mistakes? We are all human and it would be wrong to not question our lives, but there is always time to change. Being stuck in a wheelchair for the last three years I have seen things differently, but even now I can see scope for change and ways for future happiness for all my family. I’m sure you’ll find your path x

  10. For a start, I do feel you are being unnecessarily hard on yourself, Kate. Changes are afoot … work with yourself, not against!!! #GlobalBloggng

  11. My host post was about feeling a bit lost. I think you have been extremely honest in this post and reviewed what the issues are and whether you can make changes or have to accept them. My only advice is look for contentment not happiness. Thanks for linking up with #stayclassymama

  12. Back at you from #DreamTeam. Hoping you are moving closer to a more positive place. At the risk of sounding pompous, I believe people who think deeper go to more interesting places … you’re on your own path

  13. It can’t be about other people all the time Kate, it just can’t. You will always instinctively want to put your children first but you have to take care of yourself, whatever that may be. It does sound like you need at least some change. I find that if you start by making one change in your life it can generate a domino effect within you and then other change will follow. And you are never, never too late to learn something new and bring your life in a different direction. Go for it! #twinklytuesday

  14. I can identify with a few things here…definitely this feeling that I should have done more with my life and in my career (if you can call it that), but it’s not too late, you should put yourself first and go after your dreams. Also, don’t compare yourself to others, it’s pointless. #ablogginggoodtime

  15. Such an honest post. I admire you for being able to be that open not just with us as readers, but with yourself. I think with the ability to reflect so clearly on your life you will be able to determine the best path for your future. Thanks for being on the #DreamTeam

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