I am not down as such.

I just feel a bit fed up and want to get out the various frustrations out of my system. Blogging always helps me deal with my feelings and sometimes work out what to do next too.

I am miffed that having helped loads with the great job search for my husband, he has started the new life but myself and the children are left behind. I know it has to be this way but I still don’t like it much particularly when I think about all the adventures waiting for us once we can manage to get moved.

He has come home for weekends. It is good to see him but also feels odd as I am already developing my own ways of doing things. I sense we are both less patient with the other person’s flaws having lived without them for the first time in many years. This may be good in the long run but that impatience is hard to contend with when dealing with limited hours together.

There is also that bit that always spoils Christmas Day a little that there seems to be so much resting on it. You have planned and looked forward to it so you have to make it extra special regardless of realities like not feeling well, having a fall or whatever. Plus we have all the practical things to discuss and sort out.

I am also fed up that no matter how much housework I do, it mushrooms at such a speed and needs doing all over again. I try to put systems in place but to be honest I don’t really want to do housework every day but know that it is vital to keep on top of things. I still can’t work out why the woman all too often ends up with this as her role despite others living in the house. I am well aware that makes me a bad wife and mother in some people’s eyes but I am probably at core a very selfish person.

The grief thing keeps coming up particularly as I go through a lot of Mum and Dad’s things as I attempt to declutter knowing a move is coming up. I am alright. Life goes on. Time does ease things a bit but there is this angry voice inside that says loud and clear that I do not like life as much without my parents in it. It feels like crossing an ocean and realising there is no way back.

I am getting older. I have not done much with my life really and that frustrates me. I get annoyed at myself because if somebody is to change things, it will have to me but sometimes I can’t even remember what my hopes and dreams were or are now.

Even blogging is under question for me right now. What is the point bleating on? It makes me feel better but does it actually help me move forward. Then I question why am always wanting to strive and move forward. Perhaps I should just learn a level of self-acceptance.

Fundamentally, I wish life came with a manual because sometimes I really don’t get it at all.

And yes I am OK – not depressed – just frustrated and a bit sad about some things.