We don’t have sex any more

We don’t have sex anymore. There! I said it! It’s not unknown for me to be called an over sharer so let’s go for gold! I do have a reason for writing this post and it’s not that I am looking for sex. It just strikes me having revealed my predicament to a few online friends that not having sex is more common than we might think even if we are in committed relationships or perhaps especially if we are. What do I know?

I did not lose my virginity until I was about 26 years of age. I never expected anyone would want to do the deed with me but then I had this mad idea I was so fat and ugly. I shied away from blokes who showed any interest whatsoever convincing myself I must be reading the signals wrong. I also thought if I ever responded they would turn round and say they were only joking.

Sex dried up here a few months ago. My husband for 10 years and sexual partner for 20 tells me he is impotent. He says he does not like the situation. He says he still desires me. He says the situation might change. I think he sees it only as his issue but that is perhaps unfair.

Having not had sex until well into my twenties, I know I can live happily without it. I always think sex is like your favourite bar of chocolate in that way. You don’t have to have it but it is lovely when you do.

What I hate is that my husband barely touches me at all in any way. We used to snuggle up watching the telly. That stopped years ago and he seems to find the idea of sitting with me unappealing. I could use a stronger word but then I would probably be being unfair.

It feels odd as we are in a community where touch is part of the culture. So if we go out to the bar, I will touch both men and women as will my husband. It just highlights the lack of touch between us. I have pointed this out and occasionally my husband will touch me but never in bed and in quite an awkward fashion that makes it clear he is just doing it because I have made a fuss. Again, perhaps that is unfair of me but he clearly does not want to talk about the issue.

My husband is a long-term viewer of pornography. I have always hated this along with his occasional forays into joining dating sites apparently because he is bored. How he thinks that does not result in me thinking I am boring to him I do not know. I am asked to understand. I read that long-term use of pornography can lead to impotence which makes me mildly amused. How very ironic!

I have pointed out having done my research that my husband being an older man and in any event, the impotence may be a sign of health issues including heart disease and diabetes. This is a message my husband clearly does not wish to here.

I thought that I could live without sex for the rest of my natural and I do sort of still believe that and obviously as a good married woman I should. Weirdly and absolutely out of character having had too much to drink I apparently said I wanted to have sex with a young male friend we have made. I did this in front of others and my husband was of course outraged. I can absolutely see I was out of order and still cannot recall saying it so have curtailed my drinking.

Anyway, the point of this post is to wonder why we are not more open about sex coming to an end for whatever reason. In my second pregnancy we gave up on sex for a few months as the bump really did get in the way. Sometimes couples are busy with work or babies and sex goes on the backburner for a while. Sometimes couples choose not to have sex for all manner of reasons. But nobody says so.

Bloggers like to talk about just about anything yet when I asked for other experiences for this post even on an anonymous basis nobody offered or responded in any way. So impotence or no sex for a while seem to be taboo issues. I even asked a GP friend via social media and he failed to reply.

So perhaps I am wrong to blog about it but perhaps I am not and perhaps it will help someone when I say “No sex here, we’re British!” But then again, I am having a French adventure and they do say the French make great lovers. Joke!

My Random Musings
Musings Of A Tired Mummy
Musings Of A Tired Mummy

Award-winning writer, blogger, social media consultant and charity campaigner. Social Media Manager for BritMums, the UK's largest parent blogging network Freelance clients include Firefly Communications and Save the Children UK. Works with brands on marketing projects. Examples include Visit Orlando, Give As You Live, Coca-Cola and Kodak. Cambridge Law graduate with many years experience working across three sectors in advice, media relations, events, training and project management. Available for hire at affordable rates.


  • Neil

    What a briiliant post and well done you for taking the plunge in opening the topic for discussion. Sex has never been the most important thing in my life. I’ve had plenty of times when it’s taken a back seat for a variety of reasons. It seems from what you say I may not be in the minority. #TriumphantTales

  • Alice V-DIYerfy

    Well I wish you had asked me to comment on this post! LOL, I think sex becomes less and less important or “part of the relationship” as time goes on. It doesn’t mean you cant still enjoy intimacy, especially since it’s not “you” who is impotent. He can still do “other” things for you that he might find pleasing to him.
    My own personal experience is that after we had kids, we did it less and less. Now we’re lucky to get a few sessions in for the week and sometimes it’s only once but that’s life with little kids who don’t understand why the bedroom door is locked or insist on sleeping in your bed at night because they’re scared to sleep in their room.
    On the topic of pornography, I think more people watch it than are willing to say. Men are more open about it and my husband has claimed to have received nude photos (from the internet) from friends. If that is actually true, IDK.

  • endardoo

    Well …pheeww!! That’s a lot to get out there. Less sex is more common, for all sorts of reasons, but no intimacy, and no discretion about watching porn … c’mon! Obviously we don’t have his take on things here, but I know he sounds reluctant to do, but you guys have got to talk … too a relationship councillor!

  • Tracey Carr

    I absolutely applaud your honesty and openness here Kate. And I think you are right, it is a taboo subject. And I’m Irish so you can imagine what it is like here! Definitely a subject for behind closed doors….but irrespective it is good to get these things out into the open and I hope healthier for your mind. I’m sorry that your husband does not give you the love you deserve because you are entitled to both love and happiness. As for us, I know my husband wishes we were doing it a lot more but as I have explained to him, with two small children to look after, I am often exhausted at night (I just don’t know where he gets his energy from). But I hope you continue to write your truth as it is refreshing and I always look forward to reading what you have to say #triumphanttales

  • Charlotte Stein

    Very brave of you to discuss this. Life becomes so busy and tiring as parents that there is obviously a shift in the bedroom. There are definitely ways around the impotency to still have intimacy but I think he needs to make some important changes, would he consider counselling? You deserve affection #stayclassymama

  • randommusings29

    This is a really brave post! Personally the porn wouldn’t bother me too much, but I certainly wouldn’t be happy about the dating sites.

  • Coombe Mill

    A brave post and one I’m sure that will be reassuring to read to others. Relationships and sex are such a private topic, but they really don’t need to be. I do think that whatever makes you both happy is fine, having one wanting or needing more than the other is more likely to cause issues. Being intimate with or without sex I think that is an essential part of a marriage and if it were me I’d need to probe further on that one. #Globalblogging

  • thisscribblermum

    A brave post! I can sort of understand that it can get less and less as we age but I suppose being intimate or romantic in other ways especially in a marriage should stay. #globalblogging

  • Lauren Sparks

    This is a very brave post. Not having sex and not having sex and being unhappy about it are two very different things – especially in a healthy marriage. And you are right about the damage porn can do. I hope and pray things improve for you both. Visiting you from the global blogging link up.

  • JakiJellz

    Very brave to talk about this Kate but I do feel you r husband might be burying his head in the sand a bit and I can’t help but think that he isn’t taking your feelings into consideration. Sorry if that’s too much! I don’t think I would have been half as understanding as you have been about things he’s done in the past because of boredom! Thanks for joining us – #TriumphantTales

  • Lisa Pomerantz

    Kate, I applaud your honesty and agree with the crew here. As we age, and the wee ones enter the realm, the sex certainly lessesn, goes by the wayside. However, I would hope you can still find ways to be intimate and feel good about each other, yourself… Perhaps a few sessions with a therapist would help? Sending the kindest of hugs your way. Brave women rule! #globalblogging

  • Wendy

    What an honest post! Thank you for sharing your experience as I bet lack of sex is more common in relationships than we are lead to believe. With two small kids, another on the way and my husband working a stressful job we definitely aren’t at it as much as we used to be!! The general intimacy is still there though so I’m not concerned. If I were you though I’d want to have a serious conversation about the porn/lack of intimacy, perhaps as others have suggested a few sessions with a counsellor would be really beneficial?xx #triumphanttales

  • loopyloulaura

    Well done for publishing such a brave and honest post. Sex is not really a priority right now. I have the kids clambering over me all day so quite like having my body to myself for a few hours! Plus we are sooooo tired. Thanks for linking up with #stayclassymama

  • Heather Keet

    I don’t find the no sex thing as disturbing as the no touch part. Sometimes life makes sexy time hard, but sitting on the couch together shouldn’t be. It does seem as though something else is going on with your partner and he doesn’t want to admit it. #GlobalBlogging

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