It appears my marriage has broken down with my husband choosing France over me and our children. That’s the way I see it. Inevitably he has a different view and I have to confess I did something very wrong by allowing another man into my life after nearly a quarter of century of absolute loyalty on my part. Blame neglect and emotional withholding leading to me feeling abandoned. Blame money issues. Blame us growing apart. Blame our 12 year age gap. Blame me wanting the children to return to the UK for their education. Blame a global pandemic showing us we could be separate. As they say on that terrible television programme, it is what it is.
My issue one year on is to try and work out who I am or was before I met my husband. I really am not clear on who I am or what matters to me most apart from my children. With them growing up and making their own lives, I am well aware I may well have decades to fill and have no clear idea how I can or want to fill them.
So I thought as a first step I will go back in time to find out who I am and what really matters to me as the individual I am.
I was born in Newham, London in 1968 to an Irish woman aged 27. She was not married to my father and he was much younger at about 19 years of age. He was Irish too so I am a mix of Connemara in Galway and Wexford. From what I have discovered I have a farming and brewing heritage. It all sounds quite romantic to be honest. My birth mum is from a village that is little more than a crossroads surrounded by mountains and near the sea. Interestingly I have always loved both.
My birth mum had babies before me including one half-sister and a full brother. Both were adopted and that is my story too. I think she probably thought about it longer with me as I was not fostered until I was 11 months old. I understand I spent most of my first year in a Catholic convent looked after by nuns. My adoptive mum said they probably did the basics of feeding and changing me. She suspects I did not get much in the way of cuddles as I was perceived as the child of a sinner. Great start right there!
I think I have always carried a feeling of not being good enough and destined to be unwanted. There’s that insecurity that always haunts me and damages my relationships.
So I am Irish, a Londoner and a Yorkshire lass all at once.
Apparently part of the reason my parents could not be together was because she was Catholic and he was Protestant.
What do we deduce from that first year?
That I crave love and security. That I should live near the sea and/or mountains. That I am neither one thing nor the other.
I intend to keep posting about my life until I work it out a bit so that clarity will inform my future. Most of the posts will cover more than one year but I think my first one was quite different and significant.