I wanted to write about what it feels like when your parent becomes ill.

I hate being a grown-up sometimes.

My Dad was due to set off on holiday to France on Tuesday but my brother who he was going on with was hospitalized with a gall bladder issue. My Dad stayed in my brother’s house instead of coming home here so that he could do visits to him in hospital.

It seems in the last few days Dad has got progressively more ill. He is not a man who seeks help from others so it has taken time for us to realise this. He came back here today and my husband took him to hospital where they sat for hours to get some attention (so much for our delightful NHS!).

Dad has jaundice and the hospital took blood tests. They said they would telephone if there was a major concern and we had that call about half a hour ago. My dear Dad is on his way to being admitted in the big city hospital with my lovely (why don’t I remember that often enough) husband driving him there.

Dad is clearly ill, lacking in appetite and just weak and a little confused too I think. He is 85 so every little illness is a total worry and this doesn’t look like a small one.

I can’t think what I can do to make things better and I hate that feeling. Half of me is relieved that the medics are much better placed to help him and can at least ensure he gets some nourishment.

And the nursing sister who phoned me had the same tone of voice as the Marie Curie nurse who answered the phone the night mum died.

So I am scared. I wish the lovely idyllic time we have had here was not coming to an end.

There is too much going on for this mere woman’s brain to deal with.

I am trying to work out what I could have and could do better.

I am so bloody useless and that is what it feels like when your parent becomes ill.

At times like these, it is important to take care of your own mental wellbeing so you can care for those you love better.