Blogging it out in the good old-fashioned way. There are several times in my life when I have felt overwhelmed. I have had a pig of a year (no offence Peppa!) and a slight glimmer of hope was taken away last week. I remember Philip Schofield saying that it is good to have a marker in the sand like a flag of good things to come in the future. I am not sure I have one.
I know the pandemic is still at large and so many are suffering. It is selfish to indulge in self-pity. I know I am doing that. There’s a great thing about me. I have many flaws but I do know them and acknowledge them.
I am trying to be a good single parent. I never wanted to be one but I have to get on with it. I try and support my children but feel ill-equipped to do so. They are upset and dealing with so many emotions that would be challenging enough in normal times. I can’t find a book on how to help teenagers through a crisis when the world has shifted on its axis too.
One son struggles at university whilst the other struggles with home-schooling. My daughter has huge focus and gets on with her studies but bottles up her feelings. Who knows what damage I have done to them by wanting to deliver a secure family home and mucking up so completely? How do I live with that? I wasn’t good looking enough, didn’t turn enough tricks sexually, was moody. Who knows? I wasn’t good enough for my husband whatever. So I put up with, tried to fit and got spat out anyway 20-odd years later when I was too old to do much and then broke my own moral code through such desperation for a kind word and a hug.
I am tired. In normal times I could do with a week in a hotel to myself just to be. But we are in lockdown and my children need me as all they have to rely on right now.
So I try to keep my job. I try to find extra ways of earning money like the Body Shop at Home thing. Not a single order! Another huge failure then.
I am piling way too much pressure on my brother when he is in his old age and should be relaxing.
I have looked up how to get over not being wanted by a husband. Apparently step 1 is to rebuild your self-esteem and if you struggle ask friends to tell you your great qualities. Which is all well and good except I don’t have any friends who would want to meet me even out of lockdown. They will all like posts etc. but wouldn’t want to be in the same room with me. I had a brief time with French friends but won’t see them again I suppose. Also isn’t it amazing how you say you are so low and people go like on social media. Maybe folks enjoy other people’s agony.
I don’t even care how pathetic this post makes me look.