General

Struggling again

Blogging it out in the good old-fashioned way. There are several times in my life when I have felt overwhelmed. I have had a pig of a year (no offence Peppa!) and a slight glimmer of hope was taken away last week. I remember Philip Schofield saying that it is good to have a marker in the sand like a flag of good things to come in the future. I am not sure I have one.

I know the pandemic is still at large and so many are suffering. It is selfish to indulge in self-pity. I know I am doing that. There’s a great thing about me. I have many flaws but I do know them and acknowledge them.

I am trying to be a good single parent. I never wanted to be one but I have to get on with it. I try and support my children but feel ill-equipped to do so. They are upset and dealing with so many emotions that would be challenging enough in normal times. I can’t find a book on how to help teenagers through a crisis when the world has shifted on its axis too.

One son struggles at university whilst the other struggles with home-schooling. My daughter has huge focus and gets on with her studies but bottles up her feelings. Who knows what damage I have done to them by wanting to deliver a secure family home and mucking up so completely? How do I live with  that? I wasn’t good looking enough, didn’t turn enough tricks sexually, was moody. Who knows? I wasn’t good enough for my husband whatever. So  I put up with, tried to fit and got spat out anyway 20-odd years later when I was too old to do much and then broke my own moral code through such desperation for a kind word and a hug.

I am tired. In normal times I could do with a week in a hotel to myself just to be. But we are in lockdown and my children need me as all they have to rely on right now.

So I try to keep my job. I try to find extra ways of earning money like the Body Shop at Home thing. Not a single order! Another huge failure then.

I am piling way too much pressure on my brother when he is in his old age and should be relaxing.

I have looked up how to get over not being wanted by a husband. Apparently step 1 is to rebuild your self-esteem and if you struggle ask friends to tell you your great qualities. Which is all well and good except I don’t have any friends who would want to meet me even out of lockdown. They will all like posts etc. but wouldn’t want to be in the same room with  me. I had a brief time with French friends but won’t see them again I  suppose. Also isn’t it amazing how you say you are so low and people go like on social media. Maybe folks enjoy other people’s agony.

I don’t even  care how pathetic this post makes me look.

 

loopyloulaura

Award-winning writer, blogger, social media consultant and charity campaigner. Social Media Manager for BritMums, the UK's largest parent blogging network Freelance clients include Firefly Communications and Save the Children UK. Works with brands on marketing projects. Examples include Visit Orlando, Give As You Live, Coca-Cola and Kodak. Cambridge Law graduate with many years experience working across three sectors in advice, media relations, events, training and project management. Available for hire at affordable rates.

9 Comments

  • Hannah

    Aww it’s really sad to read how low you’re feeling – I hope you’re ok. Btw I don’t think it’s selfish to indulge in self-pity as you put it – your feelings are totally valid, you’re allowed to feel the way you feel and you shouldn’t feel guilty for that. Sending you hugs x

  • Samantha Donnelly

    If I lived closer to you, I would come round and drag you out for a socially distanced walk. You have been through one hell of a year, plus having to be there and a parent for your children. You have moved back to the UK, you have started a new job, you are rebuilding not only your life but your kids as well. What you do forget is that you are an amazing woman, an amazing mum and you have to learn to be you again. Just take one day at a time, each morning get up and think of one positive thought that can get you through the day. You do have support out there, me for one x

  • Rachel

    I’ve been reading your blogs for years and years and I rmember that yo’ve been through this before with your husband. France provided a brief distraction but it seems to me that you need to get out of this marriage that drags you so far down every few years. You are so intelligent that you are perfectly able to build a good life for yourself without having someone making you feel inadequate. Look to the future for possibilities and solutions. Friends will come when we’re allowed out and you are settled. (This advice may be irresponsible of me but you are a grown-up and you’ll make your own decisions. )

  • Annette, 3 Little Buttons

    Oh Kate. My heart goes out to you reading this. It’s definitely not selfish to feel self pity. And it’s not really self pity. You’ve been through so much. You deserve time out for reflection, to get to know yourself in your new circumstances, and find peace in all that’s gone awry. It’s so hard at the best of times, but add in the lockdown and things are a lot tougher. Sending hugs from #MischiefAndMemories xx

  • loopyloulaura

    It doesn’t make you look pathetic. It makes you look human and my heart goes out to you in these difficult days. I hope some love and light come into your life soon. I hope that writing this post was cathartic for you and gives you some clarity and focus. Thanks for linking up with #MischiefAndMemories (please remember to comment by 9pm on Fridays to be in with a chance of getting the backlinks for top commenter)

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